


During The War: These Chemicals Just Made Everything A Lot More Complicated (But We'll Pretend We're Fine Until We Break... Or Die)

by Badassium1970



Series: Hunger Is Like Second Nature To Us [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 1940s, A few things changed, Angst, Anorexia, Both mentioned details not gone into, Bucky Barnes Feels, Bucky still falls of the train but we know he's not dead so, Bulimia, Captain America: The First Avenger, Disordered Eating, Eating Disorders, F/M, Gay Bucky Barnes, M/M, Oblivious Bisexual Steve Rogers, Oblivious Steve Rogers, Pining, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Steve is not a virgin but probably wishes he is, mainly follows canon, not gonna tag major character death?, showgirls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-08-01
Packaged: 2020-07-25 16:17:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20028712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Badassium1970/pseuds/Badassium1970
Summary: Steve found a way into the army, but things aren't everything he thought they would be so he gives that up only to become a performing monkey. Then he gives that up to save Bucky.Bucky knows Hydra has done something to him, but he chooses to hide it. He also realises that his feelings for Steve are less than platonic, but he knows he has to hide that too.Both soldiers are dealing with their enhancements alone, included accelerated metabolisms. Hunger hasn't disappeared, if anything, it's gotten worse.





	1. There's Not Much Of A Difference Between A Lab Rat And A Performing Monkey

The army was everything Steve thought it would be, but he wasn't what he dreamt he would be.

It wasn't unexpected, and at least Peggy was kind to him even after he had made a complete fool of himself.

Still, failing over and over again was humiliating. Jumping on that fake grenade; Steve didn't regret it because if it had been real, he would have saved lives but the memory and the mental images of himself flailing on the ground while yelling; the way his voice cracked, made his body grow hot with embarrassment.

The heat was slightly appreciated compared to the constant coldness due to lack of body fat.

Steve was at least able to eat a fairly steady diet in the army. The guilt was still there since Steve didn't think he was doing enough to earn the food he was given when he was obviously the least capable person at the boot camp, probably in the whole army too. It really did seem like they were just humouring him at this point.

The rations weren't enough to ever make Steve feel full due to how long he had basically been starving himself and while that should have been worrying it meant that Steve didn't have to carry as much guilt as he would have if his hunger had vanished completely. The death of his mother was still weighing heavily on his mind even after all these years.

The food was enough to stop him from passing out during training, though Steve had come close to that many times, and that was enough in Steve's mind. The almost passing out was probably due to his asthma, faulty heart, or one of the many other ailments.

Becoming a lab rat wasn't at all what Steve had thought would happen but if it meant he'd be useful for once then Steve wasn't going to turn down that opportunity.

The experiment was considered a success, but nothing ever goes as planned.

It was all experimental and the leader of the project was now dead.

Steve blamed himself.

The thoughts that he had failed to save someone once again overwhelmed him.

It wasn't meant to be a punishment. It wasn't like Steve knew any different anyway, and so Steve didn't tell anyone that his metabolism had sped up. He didn't want to be a burden when food was hard to come by.

It probably should have been obvious that an enhanced human, a super soldier, would need more food than the average human being. It seemed like common sense but no one brought it up and Steve was used to going hungry. Anyway, like Steve kept telling himself, there wasn't a lot of food going spare and he wasn't going to take food from the other men.

Men who actually got into the army and didn't require being a lab rat first.

Not telling Howard or any of the other scientists about his enhanced metabolism probably messed with their research, but it wasn't like Steve stuck around long enough to give them much information anyway. He quickly uncovered the truth that he was going to be used more like a test subject for more super soldiers to be made than a fighter himself.

Steve wanted to be useful.

He joined the army to fight, to do the right thing, to help his country, and to make a difference.

He wasn't fighting.

He was questioning if he was doing the right thing.

He was quickly doubting that he was truly helping his country.

He also debated how much of a difference he was really making.

Being a performing monkey was steadily becoming like being a lab rat, maybe worse, but Steve still tried to convince himself that he was doing something good.

The travelling and performing took a lot out of energy.

At this point, Steve was fairly certain his metabolism was about three times what it was, maybe four and he was nowhere near giving himself the amount of food he needed. The muscle he'd gained was starting to diminish and his ribs were starting to gain some visibility.

In a weird way, Steve liked it.

He was reminded of his old body and how it used to look; something he had never thought he would miss but he still wasn't used to a body the size his now was and sometimes it was daunting to look in the mirror and barely recognise himself.

Steve didn't think it was a big deal. His strength was still well beyond that of an average male. He could do his job. That was all that really mattered. Steve told himself he was coping and most days he could make himself believe that.

There was still no way he was going to ask for more food than he was receiving, which was a little more than he'd gotten in the army. It didn't seem right. Even though he knew some of the girls refused to eat and others threw up anything they ate, he wasn't willing to take from them. However, knowing what hunger was like, he did want to help them.

It didn't work.

Steve tried to reassure the girls and told them how beautiful they were; how they deserved to look after themselves.

It wasn’t the best way of going about things but there wasn’t a lot of research on eating disorders and Steve genuinely thought his words could help.

His intentions were pure but many of the girls didn't take it that way.

Sexual favours were offered more than before as if this kind of routine of being flattered and returning those kind words with sex was second nature to them showgirls.

It put Steve between a rock and a hard place because rejecting them had the danger of the women thinking that Steve's words were lies thus risking harsher restricting and more purging. Saying yes would probably have similar results in them thinking Steve's words were lies he told them to receive sexual favours and actually having sex with them would be against Steve's morals.

Maybe he should have wanted to have sex with beautiful women.

He knew that they were attractive, and sure sometimes he'd have reactions to their advancements, or just their presence, sometimes, but they weren't what he wanted.

What did he want?

Peggy maybe?

Images of brown hair and an army uniform definitely flashed through his mind when he thought about who and what he wanted.

The showgirls weren't what he wanted.

He wasn't proud of what happened, but he gave in to the women's sexual advances.

It never felt right and he was ashamed. Steve tried to put himself in Bucky's shoes since his best friend always knew what to do when it came to sex and women.

Putting himself in Bucky's shoes didn't work out how Steve thought it would and left Steve wondering why thoughts of his best friend brought him more pleasure than any of the women did.

Maybe if Peggy hadn't been at his show and if he hadn't discovered that Bucky had been captured Steve would have thought about it more. Now Bucky was on his mind for another reason.

All who were captured were presumed dead but Steve didn't believe that. It sounded stupid and didn't make much sense, even to Steve himself, but he knew he'd feel it if Bucky was dead.

The rescue mission went against orders but Steve was willing to do anything for Bucky.


	2. Can Someone Get Hydra's Shitty Chemicals Out of My Veins?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky knows Hydra has done something to him, but he decides it's better not to mention it.

Bucky had no way of knowing how long he had been captured for.

There were no windows or even a clock and Bucky knew the way time seemed to be at a standstill was just another layer of torture.

It must have been a few days by now, possibly a week. Bucky knew he had passed out a few times, though not from dehydration.

The Hydra scientists wanted him alive, that much was clear. Though at first, Bucky refused water they left for him but caved about two or three days later. It was stagnant by that point but it was like heaven.

He was also provided with food but had yet to touch any of it even though his body was crying out for it. More than usual now.

Bucky had no clue what was happening but he knew he was being experimented on. Being strapped to a table for what seemed like hours on end was his first clue. Then there was the fact that he was being injected with something regularly, though from the angry German shouting it must not have been having the desired effect and Bucky couldn't help but smirk at that despite everything that was happening.

Bucky was scared.

Sometimes he would wake up struggling to even remember his name. He'd wake with bruises that weren't there before and his ear would be bleeding. Then came the realisation that his hunger always felt sated for a good while after his blackouts.

Sometimes he didn't remember why the fullness felt wrong, just that it did.

Bucky was losing himself and took to repeating everything about himself that he could remember. It became less with each blackout but at least he remembered to do it.

That's how Steve found him. Tied to a table repeating his name and serial number.

It took Bucky a moment to recognise Steve, something they both silently agreed to blame on Steve's new look, but when he did the pure joy on his face almost brought Steve to tears.

There was no longer a faulty heart to blame for the feeling in his chest but Steve chalked it up to the fact that he had found Bucky, and he had found Bucky alive.

He wasn't going to lose him to a collapsing Hydra base.

"NO! NOT WITHOUT YOU!"

Maybe Steve should have been more concerned that until Bucky screamed that at him he had been willing to die so long as Bucky was safe. The fact that Bucky was willing to die rather than leave Steve should have probably also been caused for concern but at least Bucky looked like he feared death, unlike Steve.

It didn't matter now though. Now Steve needed to live because Bucky wasn't going to let him die alone and Steve wasn't going to be responsible for yet another death.

So he put everything into them leaving together. Ignored the way his body was beginning to grow weaker and the constant pain in his stomach to focus on getting the both of them out of there.

It was hectic but they made it and were so thankful that they had both made it out alive the fact that the limp Bucky had before escaping the Hydra base was gone was completely forgotten about.

There were so many injured and so much to do in terms of taking Hydra down that no one took notice of Bucky's injuries healing quicker than the average human being.

However, it didn't take long for Bucky to realise something was wrong.

First, it was the advanced healing, but he shrugged it off. Thought that it was something to do with adrenaline.

Then he noticed that he could see better than before. He'd always been a good sniper but now he could clearly see miles ahead of him and never missed a shot. It was as if the perfect angles and all the possible obstructions of his shot had been calculated before he even had the chance to really think about where he was shooting. Bucky's skills weren't humanly possible but no one else seemed to care as long as he was taking down Nazis. It also meant that he and Steve weren't separated on the battlefield since they were both the most competent and therefore extremely powerful together, though Bucky was sure Steve would never give in to demands that he and Bucky be part of different groups. Either way, it was something else he ignored since the benefits outweighed the weird feeling he had that something was wrong.

The worst side effect was the never-ending hunger.

Rations were enough for a regular person to get by but Bucky knew that whatever Hydra had pumped into him had made him different from a regular man.

For a while Steve was giving Bucky some of his rations to help speed up his recovery and because he was under the assumption that Hydra had starved him like they had the other men.

Bucky didn't correct Steve. He didn't want to worry his best friend, nor did he want to risk any more experiments being done on him.

It didn't sit well with him but Bucky kept the injections, the blackouts, the feelings of no longer being hungry and vague memories of a chair to himself.

At first, he fought Steve on the whole rations situation but Steve gave him those sad puppy dog eyes and Bucky couldn't deny Steve of anything when he did that.

He also argued, "Buck, Bucky, come on, I can go with a little less now. Being a super-soldier comes with some perks," with a smile but it didn't reach his eyes.

Bucky's smile back was just as fake and under the table he clenched his fist.

He hated Captain America.

It was selfish but he wanted Steve back.

His tiny Steve that he never had to share with the world.

The world didn't deserve him. They never cared about the skinny kid who never backed down from a fight.

Bucky had always cared about Steve, but he would never care about Captain America.

The extra rations weren't enough but they took the worst of the edge off in a way Bucky didn't realise he'd be so thankful for until he finally convinced Steve that he didn't need to be given extra anymore.

While he was sure that Steve didn't need as much, since he had been given the actual serum and not whatever knockoff Hydra had concocted, Bucky knew his best friend still needed to eat and was lying about not being hungry.

He didn't regret making Steve stop giving away his rations, but the hunger pangs hurt a lot more than he thought they would.

Years passed and Bucky rarely ate enough but whatever Hydra had done to him was keeping him alive so at least there was that. It meant that he and Steve were still together but that didn't mean he was going to thank Hydra, even if he should have died from that gunshot wound a couple of months back.

Now if only he didn't have to watch Steve and Peggy flirting.

At this point, Bucky had come to terms with his feelings for Steve as well as the fact that he was gay. However, he knew it would get him in trouble so he kept his mouth shut. He was getting good at that.

The constant hunger and having to watch the man he loved flirt with someone else was more painful than any wound he'd received in battle, okay that may have been a bit of an exaggeration but Bucky was willing to stick to it, but he just gritted his teeth and got on with his life. It wasn't like he could do anything about it, and at least Steve was happy.


	3. The Captain Goes Down With His Ship, Or In This Case Plane.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plane's going down. Steve thinks he's okay with that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, fun fact. This was originally just going to be one long part but I thought it worked better separated into three.  
Let me know what you think of this fic! I'm thinking of doing three more parts, one that follows Steve during and after the events of Avenger, Bucky after being captured by Hydra and being turned into The Winter Soldier and one that comes after the events of CA:TWS but ignores Civil War.

Except, Steve wasn't happy. He'd just gotten better at hiding.

His body was constantly crying out for more food. He was confused about his feelings for Peggy and more so his feelings for Bucky; why did he think about Bucky in ways he probably should have been thinking about Peggy or those showgirls years ago.

Steve was also tired.

Everything was so draining, but he was Captain America so he had to pretend everything was okay. No one wanted a super-soldier who whined about getting the things he had always wanted. He was a role model. The perfect soldier. Some would even go so far as to say the perfect man.

So Steve had to be fine.

All of those bottled up emotions and thoughts exploded out of him when Bucky fell off that train.

Steve couldn't stop himself from re-imagining the fearful look in Bucky's eyes. He could still feel the way their fingertips grazed each other before Bucky was gone.

If only he had been a little bit quicker. A little bit stronger. A little bit more.

Steve had realised he was never going to be enough, even with the serum.

Again, for the third time now, he had failed to save someone and this time it was the person who meant everything to him. The person who had always, always been there for him no matter what.

"I'm with you, 'till the end of the line." That's what Bucky had told him and now it was his line that had been cut short and Steve could only blame himself.

Steve cried until he couldn't. He tried to eat but couldn't stomach it and stopped trying when everything just came back up. The pain of hunger was worse than it had ever been when mixed with stomach aches from throwing up. There was a voice in the back of Steve's mind that told him he deserved it.

He thought about trying to drink the pain away, even though he knew he couldn't get drunk due to his enhanced metabolism from the number of times he, Bucky and the other Howling Commandos had gone out drinking after a successful mission.

That didn't stop him from trying though which is why Peggy found Steve surrounded by alcohol trying to drink himself into a stupor.

It was then that she realised that Steve had never told anyone that he experienced the side effect of an increased metabolism, a four-times increased metabolism. Something Doctor Erskine had listed as a possible consequence of the serum but she had the feeling Howard failed to ever bring that up with Steve and thus Steve just ignored it.

Of course, Peggy already knew that Steve was a self-sacrificing dumbass, but this was something else. The man had been starving himself for years and she knew she had to do something about it. Not just because she loved him; he was her friend and it was the right thing to do.

Steve's sad, broken ramblings also confirmed something Peggy had suspected for a long time. That Steve had feelings for Bucky, possibly even loved him. She wasn't jealous, not at all. Even though she loved Steve she would rather he be happy with the person he truly loved, not that there was any hope for that now.

It seemed like Steve was still working out his own feelings and hadn't quite figured it out so she chose not to mention it. Instead, she told him to "allow Barnes the dignity of his choice" hoping that Steve would stop blaming himself for the decision Bucky made to let go of the rail on the train.

There was no chance that Steve was going to stop blaming himself for Bucky’s death. He was still convinced he was guilty for his mother’s and Doctor Eskine's deaths, but Peggy's words did spur him on.

He was going to avenge Bucky if it was the last thing he did.

Peggy did everything she could to help. She slowly upped Steve's rations so that he could regain lost strength and help him from being so tired all the time. At night she would go over his strategies and make amendments or note any new ideas she had. She did everything she could to keep track of Hydra's movements.

She wasn't going to let Steve do this alone even if he had tried to several times.

She wasn't going to let the man she loved slowly kill himself and suffer any longer.

It hurt when she realised things had come to an end.

He didn't give her his co-ordinates.

There was a promise of a dance but they both knew it wasn't going to happen. Still, she told him not to be late with a sad smile that he couldn’t see and a wet chuckle to her tone as tears rolled down her cheeks.

The plane went down with Steve still on it and Steve found that he wasn't afraid of dying.

He'd done his part. The mission was complete. His chapter had ended.

Now he could escape the constant hunger. He would no longer struggle with the overwhelming exhaustion. There would no longer be ungodly expectations he was expected to meet.

The last thing he thought about as he crashed into the water was Bucky and how he would be with him again.

Maybe it would be til the end of the line and after.

Steve had accepted death.

He didn't expect to reawaken in 2011.

**Author's Note:**

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